Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
