Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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