oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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