i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Where is the hickey?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
