he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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