The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Small penises have feelings too.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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