I have demons in me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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