Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
