i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
