I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You left your phone here
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