Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
