can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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