i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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