I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
