Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
