if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
