Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
