it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
