so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize