i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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