Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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