Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
