I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
