another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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