My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
