Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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