oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
