This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize