I am in a vortex of obligation.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
