ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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