Can i not drive my cunt home
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
