You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
