She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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