i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
