allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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