he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
