Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
