I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
