I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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