Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
