"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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