You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
