last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I don't deserve a penis
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
