I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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