we're chasing vodka with high fives
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
