we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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