Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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