In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
