My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
