You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
