i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
