Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize