at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
sarcasm needs its own font
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
