I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
