apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
