I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
