: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
