Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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